You Asked Me Not to Judge You, But I Still Do

Last Sunday, I sat in church waiting for Stake Conference to begin. I noticed you right away. You seemed fairly young to be speaking, which to me, means you must have an amazing story, and I eagerly waiting to hear from you.

When you began to speak, you kept repeating the same phrase, "Please don't judge me".  You said this several times, and my heart broke knowing that in the past, you have probably felt you were judged many times.  You told us of your life, of the trials you had conquered.   You told us how your mother left early in life, and you helped care for your younger siblings. You poured out your heart as you told us of how you had to pick up the pieces in your home, and become a grownup while many of us listening were out being typical teenagers, somewhat selfish and self minded, as you gave so selflessly to your family. You told us of how you didn't judge those who were close to you,  and how although your trials may have been greater due to their actions.

You told us of how you became a mom of two beautiful children while still quite young, and you were forced to lovingly take them under your wing as well, and care for them, while still caring for others, while still of a tender age where you should have still been being cared for yourself. You told us how you gave up those precious years in order to love and care for others. You shared with us your mistakes and errors which added more pain to your own journey, and your ability to recognize how difficult it was to escape the vicious chain you had been woven into. And then you shared with us your journey as you worked toward escape, as you determined you were going to overcome these trials,  and keep your own children from being forced into what you had faced.

You showed us your grateful heart for the simple things, a plate of food, a friend who stuck by you, a friend, and for family. You showed us you knew what was important, and that although you had faced enough human failings in life, you expected to face more, and the joy you felt when people exceeded your expectations, and the love you felt when they treated as we should all treat one another, with Christ-like love.  And again, you asked us not to judge you.

I am unsure if you could see through your own tear filled eyes, how many of us were moved to tears as we listened to your trials, and to the life you have led. I don't know  if you realized how many of us wanted to come wrap you in a hug and let you know how our hearts were breaking for you. And yet, again you asked us not to judge you.

I will judge you, but I pray you don't take offence at the judgment I pass on you.

 I judge you as someone so much stronger than I could ever dream of being!  I am in complete awe of how much you have overcome. I am in awe of the trials you have not given into.  When you mention what you have faced, and as your tears give us glimpses of your still soft heart, I am amazed! How can you be so strong, and yet so soft hearted?  How can the trials you have faced left you so willing to listen to the spirit? And how do you keep going?

I will judge you as someone who is so much closer to heaven than I am. Yes, I may have had the luxury of starting off where some would imagine I would be "closer". I may have lived many years where I should have had an advantage. I started on easier ground, and have only had a slight hill to climb as I face my trials. You, on the other hand, started down a cliff, and decided to fight your way up.  You mentioned we struggle with the same things sometimes (yes, I have trouble reading my scriptures as often as I should. Looking at our lives, I realize I have no excuses, you do so much more than me every day, I should be able to find the time) but you have overcome so much. I know God doesn't look at how close we are, but instead how far we have come, and you have passed me so far in distance, I am lucky I have even caught a glimpse at your spirit.

I will judge you as someone who Heavenly Father has never given up on, and therefore neither will I.  I realize that you might stumble at times, don't worry, I stumble too.  All I can figure is, with all you have gone through, He must love you an awful lot to never give up on you, and to keep working to find you and your family.

I will judge you as someone I already feel a connection with, even though since there were hundreds of us listening to you, I am sure you wouldn't recognize me!  I know I wasn't the only one judging you as this, as afterwards I saw you surrounded by others who felt the same way as I did. One of these days, I will probably see you somewhere and will come up and say hi, and start a conversation, and you will probably think I am some wacko then.  I guess I just already consider you one of my sisters in life, and in Jesus Christ's gospel, and hopefully me feeling that way won't scare you off too bad!

So, although you asked me many times to not judge you, I have. I almost instantly judged you as someone I needed to become more like. I judged you as someone whom has strength to move mountains. I judged you as someone who shines with Christ's love. I hope you forgive me, but I hope more people judge you for who you truly are. Hopefully then, more of us can strive to be more like you, and the world can have more light and hope shine from it.