Anger is a very interesting emotion. Psychologists will often tell you that it is a secondary emotion, not primary. This means that it is not the first emotion we leap to, but is a result of some other emotion, such as pain, fear, or sadness. We take that primary emotion, and decide, either consciously, or subconsciously, what to do with it. One problem in the world today is how many people immediately jump from any of the "unpleasant" primary emotions to anger. And the sad truth is, the more often we make that leap, the more our brains learn the pattern, and soon it would seem to us, and others, that anger is our primary emotion.
I remember driving with someone who heard a "weird" car noise. It didn't sound pretty, and it was the kind of noise that, if you heard it from your own car, it would give you a moment to wonder if you needed to visit the mechanic. The initial emotion, fear that your car is broken, followed by worry that the money needed to fix it will cause you some type of inconvenience. Almost instantly, in a very angry voice, the person I was traveling with stated, "I hope that is someone else's crappy car!" Obviously the sentiment of not wanting one's own car to be broken is completely understandable. I don't think any of us wishes for a broken car (well, maybe a mechanic who needs more work, but even then they don't want it to be their own). But there is a big difference between hoping for good in ones own life, and wishing for harm in someone else's life.
Now, I am not going to even pretend that I don't get angry! If I did, my children would start laughing hysterically! But I am trying to rid myself of that emotion. It does no good in the world, it solves no problem, it helps nobody. But in order to get rid of it, I know it will take a lot of hard work, and a lot of self reflection.
I recently was speaking to a sociologist about something that had truly angered me. It wasn't a recent event, or even a small event. But it had angered me enough to carry it around with me in my heart for about 20 years. He asked me what good holding on to that anger did. Well, let's see. During those 20 years I was less likely to forgive. I was less likely to trust. And I was more likely to let things that people did hurt me. Hmmm.. not really anything that made my life better, and not anything that led to any solutions to any problems.
So, he gave me the best advice I have ever had. Let it go. Forgive.
I had a really hard time with this advice at first. Forgive? But I had been wronged!! How could I just let it go?? Isn't that saying it was alright in the first place?? No, it isn't. But that is how it seemed to me, and I think that is why I had held on to my anger so long. He explained forgiveness in a way that I had never thought of it before. Forgiveness is simply understanding that even though bad, even horrible, things may happen, that God still loves you. It is handing the problem over to God, letting him worry about "dealing with it", and realizing that He will be a merciful judge, to both you and all His children, and not to fret about what will happen to them, but simply be filled with hope and love for His mercy toward you. It is putting your trust in Him, fully and completely. And simply letting all the anger go away. It isn't as much to do with your relationship with the offending party, as it is to do with your relationship with Heavenly Father, and Christ.
I worked with this wonderful man for a few months. He had me write letters to people that I knew I would never deliver, although he encouraged me to do so. He listened to me cry, and probably watched me go through at least a few boxes of Kleenex. He told me that yes, I had been hurt, and yes, I had a right to be angry, but I also had a right to be happy, and I had a right to not hurt, and I had a right to not be angry, and to let go of the heartache that I had carried around so long. I never realized how much the anger was holding me back, how much I let it guide my decisions and my life. To let it go was to take back the control, it was simply saying "God, I know you are still there for me. I know you will protect me. And I know you love me, and all your children", and then moving on. The memory of the hurt may always be a part of me, but I don't need to feel it any more.
I remember my last meeting with this wonderful man who taught me so much. I know I am not done, and still have a long way to go. But out of my experience, not my anger, I am learning sympathy, empathy, and learning to be more Christlike, and to share Christ's love with all. Through my forgiveness of others, I am learning to be non judgemental (as I know not the paths they have trod, or the trials they have faced). I am learning how to treasure each happy moment, and make them a focus of my life. I am learning to forgive.
And as I look at the things, both large and small, that I allow to cause anger in my life, I am learning to look at my first emotions and grow from them, instead of wither from anger. Out of my pain and sadness, I can learn to have more sympathy. Out of my fear, I can gain a greater desire to comfort and serve others. Out of my hurt, I can come the desire to show charity and love to others, and learn the importance of not hurting others. But out of anger, comes nothing of worth.
No life can ever be devoid of undesirable emotions, but I believe as we grow closer to God, and learn more of Christ, and His atonement for each one of us, we can rid ourselves of anger, and embrace forgiveness. The miracle in forgiveness is not only the peace we find when we seek forgiveness for our sins, but it is the peace we find when we forgive others.
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